The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”