I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.