[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
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I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
A wise man once said nothing.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now