2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
A game married people play.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what