look at me when i’m typing to you
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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain