Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
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ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.