Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
You Might Also Like
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.