My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
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[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou