Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
🤔😂😂
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Happy thanksgiving!
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you