doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
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Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx