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Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge