Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…