60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
You Might Also Like
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
saw this in a dream
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.