“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.