Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”