I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
You Might Also Like
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.