I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
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me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Seek kebab; not attention
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…