I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
You Might Also Like
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time