Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
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The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game