I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
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Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.