I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
You Might Also Like
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
🙋♀️
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics