me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
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Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer