Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
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Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
this is me
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight