“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.