I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
You Might Also Like
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
What the dentist sees
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Great game to play with friends
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”