I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
You Might Also Like
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that