If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
decorating my apartment
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.