(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE