Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
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Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Lmbo
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.