Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”