Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
the icebreaker
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.