Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
You Might Also Like
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Well, that didn’t work.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?