No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I hope Alan is OK
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure