Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
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HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it