Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.