I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
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It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I’m sure it’s fine.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.