Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
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I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Waiting for the Charmin
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I wish this was real life…
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.