People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
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Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
new wife guy just dropped
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Autocorrect completely socks
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol