Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
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who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I see your IQ test came back negative
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance