Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
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I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
The pen is writier than the sword.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I have many caverns
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
🤣