[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Fries, not lies.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?