Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life