Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Breaking news:
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
And then there were 4
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.