8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
groan^2
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Inside you there are two wolves
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭