[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
You Might Also Like
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Sheep
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!