wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
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Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.