Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
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My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
is this a warning or an offer?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.