[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.