Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Previously On Persistence 😎
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.