pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
the three branches of government
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”